*You scrub your hands like a surgeon
*You measure age, not in years, but in weeks and adjusted weeks.
*You plan your day in 3 hour increments.
*You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, “wow, it is really quiet” is uttered.
*You know that ‘Snuggle-up’ is an object, and is not referring to what you do with your boyfriend on the sofa.
*Finding poop in a diaper makes you cheer because you are obsessed with NEC and suspicious all your babies have it.
*You like to give glycerine suppositories out like candy- (for same reason above).
*You recognize that feeding tubes can be time-savers.
*You hear 4 or 5 different types of all-to-familiar beeping in your sleep.
*You recognize that taping is an art-form.
*You wonder why thermometers haven’t advanced with the times…
*The admission of a 28 week antepartum patient makes you antsy.
*You could describe poop about a dozen different ways…(eg. Meconium, transitional, green, yellow, yellow-seedy, brown…)
*The IV team won’t come to your unit… YOU are the master.
*You are a breastfeeding advocate but find yourself wanting to scream, “JUST GIVE THE KID A BOTTLE!”
*You measure weight in grams, and kilos
*You’ve ever heard, “The parents won’t be coming in today”, and been overcome with joy.
*You know that kangarooing has nothing to do with kangaroos.
*You’ve documented the amount of ‘jiggle’…Yeah, that’s medical jargon.
*You know that “Feeder-Grower” isn’t a description of a lawn care product.
*You’ve ever referred to a baby as a ‘glow worm’.
*You’re sure you could write your own “crazy baby name” book using the names of your patients.
*You’ve ever cried at the discharge of a patient, because they felt more like family.
*You take pride in making up a “cute” bed for your patient.
*You’ve been in a critical situation, where the most highly qualified physician offered you the most advice, the least support…and illegible orders.
*You believe: if the baby is quiet, be scared.
*You’re patients don’t use a call bell when they need you- instead an orchestra of 3 or more alarms of different tones get your attention.
*You’ve witnessed a preemie escape mission…they made it as far as the portholes.
*You’ve ever wished for a restraining order to protect a baby from their idiot parents.
*You believe that to refuse a baby a pacifier is cruel and unusual punishment-for both the baby, and you.
*You refer to sweet-ease as ‘a shot of happiness’.